Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
