i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
