Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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