Cold hands, warm shart.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
