You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
