it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
