Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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