so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
