I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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