So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
