They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
