At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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