As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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