awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
