from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
