My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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