Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
