i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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