the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think your dad took our porno
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
