Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
