I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize