I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
