DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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