I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
