Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
