woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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