Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
do herpes really smell.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She's the barista slut.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
