last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
