I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You can't motorboat a personality
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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