I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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