Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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