so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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