Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
