I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize