Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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