The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
