my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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