so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We are two peas in an std pod
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
