One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I need a beard to bite.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
