I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
