Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
