every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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