fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
