can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
