Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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