Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
