woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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