i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
