I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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