i barfeds in our rink
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it's not cheating when I paid for it
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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