He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
