i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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