yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
