i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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