I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
