How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
