insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize