OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
