I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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