I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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