At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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