You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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