I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
