lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
