I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
