Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize