I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
